So I'm pretty useless at this blogging thing, considering I haven't posted since 2011..and I'm pretty positive no one reads this, but I do like to feel that my past experiences can help someone somehow..
My last post was about Love..and how I hope that one day I will find the miracle that is Love..
About 18 months ago I thought I had..It was difficult but from the moment I saw him I knew we would be together..We spoke about kids and marriage..we ended up having our own flat together and two little cats all to ourselves..It should have been our own slice of Paradise..
As usual, I was wrong..he had this dream of becoming a world famous Tattooist and I stood by him for it, unfortunately in that line of work, if you don't already have a good reputation, there isn't much income and it takes time to build a good name for yourself..So I was stuck with the bills..I didn't mind really as long as I was respected..but the longer we were together the less he respected how much I did for him..Money wasn't the issue, I was happy to fund the man I love acheieve his dream...but it shouldn't be EXPECTED to be done, it should be APPRECIATED..
I think I doted on him too much and he just grew accustomed to having whatever he wanted and me not complaining, he was, and still is a good guy to this day, but I wasn't enough...Instead of meeting me for tea one night he went off to get high..which was NOT like him..When I confronted him about it he told me he'd been doing it at work for a while and had lied to me about it..I was shocked, my wonderful boyfriend that didn't drink or do drugs had been hiding this from me?
I told him that maybe we weren't working out, if he can lie to the woman he wanted to propose to we needed time to think, I stayed at my mums that night...I called him the next morning knowing that he was taking our break up tough and I wanted to make sure he was OK and going to work, he was at breakfast with a girl I'd never heard him mention..I was so saddened, was I this easy to get over?How long has he been seeing her? He assured me nothing was going on..
I said that I had already paid for a month of the flat up front, so he may as well stay there until he found somwhere to live while I moved back in with my mum..Our friend then got kicked out of his apartment so I said that he could stay with my ex as long as I got some money toward the bills..My ex gave me some money that he had borrowed off his Nan because his friend couldnt afford any rent..which was fine, I had money to pay off the outstanding debts from the flat (He used to overuse his xbox so much we had £800-00 to pay)..I found out he hadn't been eating properly so I used some of this money to buy him things for lunch that he could take to work with him..
I started missing him too much, as you do when you're new to being alone after a relationship..One night when I was a bit drunk I called him and begged him back, he rejected me..I felt heartbroken...He assured me it was OK and he had just realised that he had treated me badly and we were too different to be together properly and I agreed..
Last week I found out that his friends pregnant girlfriend had been staying at my flat as well...the place was left in a complete tip when it came to getting rid of it. I had help off my mum and her boyfriend to clear it but not a peep was said from my ex...Then I find out that he hadn't come round to help because he was with his New Girlfriend...the one, I found out, that he had met for breakfast and had been cheating on me with..He hadn't dared tell me, just let me find out through friends who wanted to make sure I was OK over the news (yeah right!)...they had been shacking up in my very own bed in my very own flat and I feel like I have been broken up inside...I just tried to be a nice person and do good things, but people very much take advantage of that..
I wished them luck after a slight angry text to me ex for doing this, and I really do wish them luck, I may hate them for what they did to me, but I love him for being such a big part of my life, and I know that he is a good guy who just got too used to me doting on him, we all make mistakes, it's just a shame people get hurt in the process..
I guess the moral of the story is, Don't jump too fast, you're going to fall for someone anyway, why make it worse when you hit the ground?Don't be a doormat, don't be used for something you have...Know yourself, Love yourself and TRUST yourself...
Someone said to me the other day "Sometimes you'll be the pigeon, and sometimes you'll be the statue" which I guess means sometimes you get shit on and sometimes you shit on others, I never want to be the pigeon, and so far in life I have always been the statue...But what it boils down to I guess is that as a statue, I still have (or try at least to have) a heart of gold...I'm never going to stop loving or caring, even though it hurts me, I intend to be a good person and a better person than those that have hurt me...
I still have some hope that one day I will have my imperfect fairy tale..
I hope you get something from my naievty..
I hope..and you should too.
