So I'm pretty useless at this blogging thing, considering I haven't posted since 2011..and I'm pretty positive no one reads this, but I do like to feel that my past experiences can help someone somehow..
My last post was about Love..and how I hope that one day I will find the miracle that is Love..
About 18 months ago I thought I had..It was difficult but from the moment I saw him I knew we would be together..We spoke about kids and marriage..we ended up having our own flat together and two little cats all to ourselves..It should have been our own slice of Paradise..
As usual, I was wrong..he had this dream of becoming a world famous Tattooist and I stood by him for it, unfortunately in that line of work, if you don't already have a good reputation, there isn't much income and it takes time to build a good name for yourself..So I was stuck with the bills..I didn't mind really as long as I was respected..but the longer we were together the less he respected how much I did for him..Money wasn't the issue, I was happy to fund the man I love acheieve his dream...but it shouldn't be EXPECTED to be done, it should be APPRECIATED..
I think I doted on him too much and he just grew accustomed to having whatever he wanted and me not complaining, he was, and still is a good guy to this day, but I wasn't enough...Instead of meeting me for tea one night he went off to get high..which was NOT like him..When I confronted him about it he told me he'd been doing it at work for a while and had lied to me about it..I was shocked, my wonderful boyfriend that didn't drink or do drugs had been hiding this from me?
I told him that maybe we weren't working out, if he can lie to the woman he wanted to propose to we needed time to think, I stayed at my mums that night...I called him the next morning knowing that he was taking our break up tough and I wanted to make sure he was OK and going to work, he was at breakfast with a girl I'd never heard him mention..I was so saddened, was I this easy to get over?How long has he been seeing her? He assured me nothing was going on..
I said that I had already paid for a month of the flat up front, so he may as well stay there until he found somwhere to live while I moved back in with my mum..Our friend then got kicked out of his apartment so I said that he could stay with my ex as long as I got some money toward the bills..My ex gave me some money that he had borrowed off his Nan because his friend couldnt afford any rent..which was fine, I had money to pay off the outstanding debts from the flat (He used to overuse his xbox so much we had £800-00 to pay)..I found out he hadn't been eating properly so I used some of this money to buy him things for lunch that he could take to work with him..
I started missing him too much, as you do when you're new to being alone after a relationship..One night when I was a bit drunk I called him and begged him back, he rejected me..I felt heartbroken...He assured me it was OK and he had just realised that he had treated me badly and we were too different to be together properly and I agreed..
Last week I found out that his friends pregnant girlfriend had been staying at my flat as well...the place was left in a complete tip when it came to getting rid of it. I had help off my mum and her boyfriend to clear it but not a peep was said from my ex...Then I find out that he hadn't come round to help because he was with his New Girlfriend...the one, I found out, that he had met for breakfast and had been cheating on me with..He hadn't dared tell me, just let me find out through friends who wanted to make sure I was OK over the news (yeah right!)...they had been shacking up in my very own bed in my very own flat and I feel like I have been broken up inside...I just tried to be a nice person and do good things, but people very much take advantage of that..
I wished them luck after a slight angry text to me ex for doing this, and I really do wish them luck, I may hate them for what they did to me, but I love him for being such a big part of my life, and I know that he is a good guy who just got too used to me doting on him, we all make mistakes, it's just a shame people get hurt in the process..
I guess the moral of the story is, Don't jump too fast, you're going to fall for someone anyway, why make it worse when you hit the ground?Don't be a doormat, don't be used for something you have...Know yourself, Love yourself and TRUST yourself...
Someone said to me the other day "Sometimes you'll be the pigeon, and sometimes you'll be the statue" which I guess means sometimes you get shit on and sometimes you shit on others, I never want to be the pigeon, and so far in life I have always been the statue...But what it boils down to I guess is that as a statue, I still have (or try at least to have) a heart of gold...I'm never going to stop loving or caring, even though it hurts me, I intend to be a good person and a better person than those that have hurt me...
I still have some hope that one day I will have my imperfect fairy tale..
I hope you get something from my naievty..
I hope..and you should too.
Thursday 14 February 2013
Saturday 18 June 2011
Here Goes
There's a reason it's called falling in love
1)When you "fall" for someone - you're stomach goes. You genuinely feel as if the ground has opened up beneath your feet and you're falling deeper and deeper into the abyss
2)Once you start falling - you can't stop
3) It hurts like HELL when it's over.
Maybe i've fallen for a lot of people - I tend to get hurt a lot.
My dad cheated on my mum when i was 2. She left him after it didn't stop. I don't blame her. When I was 6 he decided to move to France with his new wife. I didn't see him or speak to him until I was 16. I'm 18 now and I've seen him twice in the past 2 years - I only know that he lives in Normandy. Nothing more specific. My friends dad killed himself when she was 4 or 5. I wish that my dad had done that. One mistake that he couldn't take back that took him away, one he may have regretted. But instead - my dad showed how little he loved me every day of that 10years that I didn't see him. He made the same mistake each morning he woke up and decided not to get in touch with me - his own daughter. He didn't regret it.
When I was 10 I met a boy in high school - we were best friends for years until he got a girlfriend at the age of 14 and she didn't like me. We spoke occassionally but still I couldn't help the feeling that I was worthless due to the abandonment repeated.
I started to crave friendship and attention. Later that same year a person I met - a man - asked me out. He was 21 so I couldn't try and call him a boy. I was lonely. I said yes. He came round to visit me one night with a rose - my mum let him in. I was in my room watching TV and when he walked in I noticed he wasn't himself. I could tell immediately that he was drunk. I don't blame my mum for what happened next. She was none the wiser. I didn't cry out - I just asked him to stop. I was forced to do things that no one should be forced to do. I cried and held myself and told him to leave. I was bruised and my friend saw these bruises the day after. They man was immediately beaten up by her boyfriend and his friends but none of them knew why. They just wanted to fight.
When i was 15 I met another man. He was 20. He was most definately my first love, even though we only went out for 6months. It was intense. I trusted him with my life - and I gave myself to him willingly - something I thought I would never be able to do. He held me when I had my nightmares. He was the second person in my life I trusted enough to openly tell him what had happened to me. I loved him with everything I had. 6 months later - he left me. My best friend was pregnant with his child. It had happened one night when he'd done too much cocaine.
When I was 16 I met a friend of a friend. He was 20 and wonderful.He didn't want a relationship though - I liked him too much to care. He was with me on christmas eve when a very close family friend died. He called me his little princess and held me when I cried and when I stopped he wiped away my tears and held me some more. We were "together" for 9 months. We were exclusive and we acted like a couple around each other infront of friends and family - we just didn't have the label. We told each other "I love you" all the time. One day after sex - he turned to me and said "You do realise I don't actually love you don't you?For me this is just the sex" Unfortunately, I didn't know this. When I got upset he then proceeded threatening to run me over if I made it complicated for him.
When I was 17 I met a 21 year old. He was the most caring most sensitive person I have ever met. Again I loved him with everything I had. I couldn't have done more for him. He was the first person I was with that didn't do drugs, smoke or treat me like I was worthless. My weekend revolved around his football team, match of the day and seeing his friends in the pub. I never got to see my friends, but I didn't mind because I was with him. I couldn't have been happier...Until he drank. He told me how disgusted he was with me and my weight, he didn't really love me, he wished me to become so much more. He regretted losing his virginity to me. The day after - through taking paracetomol for his hangover he would apologise profusely and make me feel like the best person in England. So I stayed. We were together for two years. In the end his constant lack of empathy about my abuse got too much for me. If i had a nightmare I was told to "get over it", if i freaked out about sex: "get over it", if I didn't want to pleasure him I was a bad girlfriend making nothing into a big bad situation.
Love hurts. I know that. I know that women can be as bad as men. I know that no matter what happens, I will hurt again. But through my experiences I know that I can get back onto my feet and feel better once more. I have hope that one day I will marry, live in a beautiful house and have darling little children of my own. I haven't become bitter after my experiences.
I have hope.
I emplore you - do the same.
1)When you "fall" for someone - you're stomach goes. You genuinely feel as if the ground has opened up beneath your feet and you're falling deeper and deeper into the abyss
2)Once you start falling - you can't stop
3) It hurts like HELL when it's over.
Maybe i've fallen for a lot of people - I tend to get hurt a lot.
My dad cheated on my mum when i was 2. She left him after it didn't stop. I don't blame her. When I was 6 he decided to move to France with his new wife. I didn't see him or speak to him until I was 16. I'm 18 now and I've seen him twice in the past 2 years - I only know that he lives in Normandy. Nothing more specific. My friends dad killed himself when she was 4 or 5. I wish that my dad had done that. One mistake that he couldn't take back that took him away, one he may have regretted. But instead - my dad showed how little he loved me every day of that 10years that I didn't see him. He made the same mistake each morning he woke up and decided not to get in touch with me - his own daughter. He didn't regret it.
When I was 10 I met a boy in high school - we were best friends for years until he got a girlfriend at the age of 14 and she didn't like me. We spoke occassionally but still I couldn't help the feeling that I was worthless due to the abandonment repeated.
I started to crave friendship and attention. Later that same year a person I met - a man - asked me out. He was 21 so I couldn't try and call him a boy. I was lonely. I said yes. He came round to visit me one night with a rose - my mum let him in. I was in my room watching TV and when he walked in I noticed he wasn't himself. I could tell immediately that he was drunk. I don't blame my mum for what happened next. She was none the wiser. I didn't cry out - I just asked him to stop. I was forced to do things that no one should be forced to do. I cried and held myself and told him to leave. I was bruised and my friend saw these bruises the day after. They man was immediately beaten up by her boyfriend and his friends but none of them knew why. They just wanted to fight.
When i was 15 I met another man. He was 20. He was most definately my first love, even though we only went out for 6months. It was intense. I trusted him with my life - and I gave myself to him willingly - something I thought I would never be able to do. He held me when I had my nightmares. He was the second person in my life I trusted enough to openly tell him what had happened to me. I loved him with everything I had. 6 months later - he left me. My best friend was pregnant with his child. It had happened one night when he'd done too much cocaine.
When I was 16 I met a friend of a friend. He was 20 and wonderful.He didn't want a relationship though - I liked him too much to care. He was with me on christmas eve when a very close family friend died. He called me his little princess and held me when I cried and when I stopped he wiped away my tears and held me some more. We were "together" for 9 months. We were exclusive and we acted like a couple around each other infront of friends and family - we just didn't have the label. We told each other "I love you" all the time. One day after sex - he turned to me and said "You do realise I don't actually love you don't you?For me this is just the sex" Unfortunately, I didn't know this. When I got upset he then proceeded threatening to run me over if I made it complicated for him.
When I was 17 I met a 21 year old. He was the most caring most sensitive person I have ever met. Again I loved him with everything I had. I couldn't have done more for him. He was the first person I was with that didn't do drugs, smoke or treat me like I was worthless. My weekend revolved around his football team, match of the day and seeing his friends in the pub. I never got to see my friends, but I didn't mind because I was with him. I couldn't have been happier...Until he drank. He told me how disgusted he was with me and my weight, he didn't really love me, he wished me to become so much more. He regretted losing his virginity to me. The day after - through taking paracetomol for his hangover he would apologise profusely and make me feel like the best person in England. So I stayed. We were together for two years. In the end his constant lack of empathy about my abuse got too much for me. If i had a nightmare I was told to "get over it", if i freaked out about sex: "get over it", if I didn't want to pleasure him I was a bad girlfriend making nothing into a big bad situation.
Love hurts. I know that. I know that women can be as bad as men. I know that no matter what happens, I will hurt again. But through my experiences I know that I can get back onto my feet and feel better once more. I have hope that one day I will marry, live in a beautiful house and have darling little children of my own. I haven't become bitter after my experiences.
I have hope.
I emplore you - do the same.
Tuesday 26 April 2011
Introducing Myself...
So..American History X Style, everything starts off well with a quote.
"Fairytales don't teach children that dragons exist.They know they do. Fairytales teach children that dragons can be killed"
This is one of my favourite quotes, it doesnt really tell you anything about me but its beautiful and true, just how i hope my blog to be.
I will not reveal my name (God don't i feel like a superhero) because that will be my only secret here.
My thoughts, my dreams and my deepest desires are for all to see, only then can someone truly be free.
I like to be deep, but at the same time - as wel all can be - I am very shallow.
Must get back to work now
Ciao
"Fairytales don't teach children that dragons exist.They know they do. Fairytales teach children that dragons can be killed"
This is one of my favourite quotes, it doesnt really tell you anything about me but its beautiful and true, just how i hope my blog to be.
I will not reveal my name (God don't i feel like a superhero) because that will be my only secret here.
My thoughts, my dreams and my deepest desires are for all to see, only then can someone truly be free.
I like to be deep, but at the same time - as wel all can be - I am very shallow.
Must get back to work now
Ciao
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