Here Goes

There's a reason it's called falling in love

1)When you "fall" for someone - you're stomach goes. You genuinely feel as if the ground has opened up beneath your feet and you're falling deeper and deeper into the abyss
2)Once you start falling - you can't stop
3) It hurts like HELL when it's over.

Maybe i've fallen for a lot of people - I tend to get hurt a lot.

My dad cheated on my mum when i was 2. She left him after it didn't stop. I don't blame her. When I was 6 he decided to move to France with his new wife. I didn't see him or speak to him until I was 16. I'm 18 now and I've seen him twice in the past 2 years - I only know that he lives in Normandy. Nothing more specific. My friends dad killed himself when she was 4 or 5. I wish that my dad had done that. One mistake that he couldn't take back that took him away, one he may have regretted. But instead - my dad showed how little he loved me every day of that 10years that I didn't see him. He made the same mistake each morning he woke up and decided not to get in touch with me - his own daughter. He didn't regret it.

When I was 10 I met a boy in high school - we were best friends for years until he got a girlfriend at the age of 14 and she didn't like me. We spoke occassionally but still I couldn't help the feeling that I was worthless due to the abandonment repeated.

I started to crave friendship and attention. Later that same year a person I met - a man - asked me out. He was 21 so I couldn't try and call him a boy. I was lonely. I said yes. He came round to visit me one night with a rose - my mum let him in. I was in my room watching TV and when he walked in I noticed he wasn't himself. I could tell immediately that he was drunk. I don't blame my mum for what happened next. She was none the wiser. I didn't cry out - I just asked him to stop. I was forced to do things that no one should be forced to do. I cried and held myself and told him to leave. I was bruised and my friend saw these bruises the day after. They man was immediately beaten up by her boyfriend and his friends but none of them knew why. They just wanted to fight.

When i was 15 I met another man. He was 20. He was most definately my first love, even though we only went out for 6months. It was intense. I trusted him with my life - and I gave myself to him willingly - something I thought I would never be able to do. He held me when I had my nightmares. He was the second person in my life I trusted enough to openly tell him what had happened to me. I loved him with everything I had. 6 months later - he left me. My best friend was pregnant with his child. It had happened one night when he'd done too much cocaine.

When I was 16 I met a friend of a friend. He was 20 and wonderful.He didn't want a relationship though - I liked him too much to care. He was with me on christmas eve when a very close family friend died. He called me his little princess and held me when I cried and when I stopped he wiped away my tears and held me some more. We were "together" for 9 months. We were exclusive and we acted like a couple around each other infront of friends and family - we just didn't have the label. We told each other "I love you" all the time. One day after sex - he turned to me and said "You do realise I don't actually love you don't you?For me this is just the sex" Unfortunately, I didn't know this. When I got upset he then proceeded threatening to run me over if I made it complicated for him.

When I was 17 I met a 21 year old. He was the most caring most sensitive person I have ever met. Again I loved him with everything I had. I couldn't have done more for him. He was the first person I was with that didn't do drugs, smoke or treat me like I was worthless. My weekend revolved around his football team, match of the day and seeing his friends in the pub. I never got to see my friends, but I didn't mind because I was with him. I couldn't have been happier...Until he drank. He told me how disgusted he was with me and my weight, he didn't really love me, he wished me to become so much more. He regretted losing his virginity to me. The day after - through taking paracetomol for his hangover he would apologise profusely and make me feel like the best person in England. So I stayed. We were together for two years. In the end his constant lack of empathy about my abuse got too much for me. If i had a nightmare I was told to "get over it", if i freaked out about sex: "get over it", if I didn't want to pleasure him I was a bad girlfriend making nothing into a big bad situation.

Love hurts. I know that. I know that women can be as bad as men. I know that no matter what happens, I will hurt again. But through my experiences I know that I can get back onto my feet and feel better once more. I have hope that one day I will marry, live in a beautiful house and have darling little children of my own. I haven't become bitter after my experiences.

I have hope.

I emplore you - do the same.